Oh my gosh darn roommate!

To my 'Dearest Roommate',
How can I put this nicely?
I. Fucking. Hate. You.
Jesus Christ, you're the fucking reason I'm transferring out of this hellhole (okay, not really, but my god I would, if I had to put up with another semester with you).
I don't even know how I can relay my hate for you with words. Usually, when I explain to people why I loathe you, I just end up gesturing wildly. Now, I'm going to sit down and write this from the heart.
You are seriously the most fucked up person I have ever met. I question your emotional and mental stability. If I had known you were seeing a therapist daily, perhaps I would have questioned moving in with you.
This change of heart is abrupt, I know. We were friends for months before moving in together. I left my old roommate to move in with you, thinking our personalities meshed better. If I had only known.
I think your belligerent drunken nature was the turning point in our relationship. You nearly broke my T.V. When I told you the next day, you laughed. Are. You. Fucking. With. Me? Not to mention my trashcan that you threw up in and chucked across the room, destroying it. How about the fact that I had to clean up your puke? K told me how you sat up in the room, saying how you should 'go help me'. FUCK YOU.
Or maybe it was the futon. I get it. It's your 'baby'. Okay. I know. We need to take care of it. I know. It was a lot of money. I get it. Okay, the left side is sinking. No, I haven't stepped on it. Okay. You love it. Jesus, you mention that futon to me again, one more fucking time, I'm going to take a fucking sledgehammer to it, you fucking psycho. I never ASKED you to get the futon. I don't want to hear how you gave up a desk and drawers for it. WHOSE FAULT IS THAT?
Or the fact you started DATING one of our friends. The one who, we all agreed (even YOU!) that she turned gay for attention. The same friend that we all basically hate because of her 'holier then thou' and bitchy attitude. Well, I hope you enjoy your five minutes of dating her – the moment a GUY shows her ANY amount of attention, your suicidal ass is going to be DUMPED.
How about the fact that you ASSUME way to much for my liking. When you and K's car broke down, you ASSUMED that you could come straight to my house, without telling me (I mean, a CALL would have been NICE!) Or when you figured that I'd drive you an hour way from my house to the greyhound station. Yes, I wouldn't have minded. But you ordered the tickets then TOLD me I was driving you there. That struck a nerve. Or, before that, when you told everyone that I would be able to drop you off as far as Maryland, just so you could be with you 'girlfriend' for the week. Bitch, Maryland is four hours away. Fuck that.
You engage in TOO MUCH P.D.A with you 'girlfriend'. I get it. WE ALL GET IT. You love her. She's your soulmate. Let's all ignore the fact she's been gay for about a month now, and the fact that she turned you down how many times? Do you really have to kiss her every five seconds? How about when you bitch we're your not sitting next to her. Please, NO ONE wants that. She even knows it. That's why she settled for YOU.
You are fucked up in the head. Okay, I'm open-minded. I understand the whole 'transgender' thing. You feel you are more of a man then a woman. I'm not going to bash you for that. However, I am going to point out your flaws. You can't expect us all to suddenly start calling you your guy name the day AFTER you tell us. First off, we've been calling you your birth name for months. So don't BITCH US OUT when we can't get that down. Fuck you. How about I start calling you cunt? It's what I've been calling you for weeks now.
Tawny is my rabbit. She wasn't a 'spur of the moment' adoption. I did my research and made sure I was fully prepared for her arrival. I take care of her. So don't get pissed off when I call you out for stupid actions around her. Like I said, she's MY RABBIT. NOT YOURS. What do you mean that you fed Tawny today? I feed her every morning before class. Don't get pissed off and call me a liar when I call you out. I don't care that you were a dog washer. What. The. Fuck. Does. That. Have. Do. With. Anything? Chewing on boxes DOES NOT MEAN that she is starving. Rabbits chew. You stupid fuck. It helps keep their teeth size under control. Also, her 'flopping' on the ground does NOT mean she's sick. It actually means she's comfortable. When she lays sideways, she's sleeping, not dying. Don't say you read a lot about rabbits and your 'concerned' about Tawny. You're also the one who FREAKED out when Tawny jumped in the air. She was binkying. Not having a fucking seizure.
Finally, it's all come down to this – YOU. ARE. AN. IDIOT.
I went to the resume seminars. I visited my English professor for help. When you asked me to read your resume, and when I pointed out the flaws, I was being honest. Don't look at me and say 'Well, that was how I was told to write it' and ignore my suggestions. WHY THE HELL DID YOU ASK ME? How about the fact you can't maneuver a simple website, or when you ignore me when I tell you that greyhound stations don't usually have a separate line for 'ticketing' that it's all the same person. Who was right, fucker? You lack of intelligence annoys the fuck out of me.
Then it's those little fucking things. STEALING MY BOX OF MOTHERFUCKING GIRL SCOUT COOKIES! Drinking all of my Dr. Pepper. Taking my water. I have TOLD YOU that I want to keep food SEPERATE. NOT TO TOUCH my SHIT. ARE YOU FUCKING BRAIN DEAD? How about taking a 'serious call' while I'm in the room, turning off the television that I was BLANTLY watching. Telling me to mute it would have been fine. But noooooo, you turn it offfff. Then, you don't even bother to turn it on before you leave.
Finally, before I end this pleasant letter, I want to let you know about the two things that I knew for awhile.
I was awake when you fingered you 'girlfriend' the other night. I heard everything. You're a goddamn hypocrite for freaking out on K for fucking that douchebag when you 'girlfriend' was passed out drunk. She was passed out. I was fucking sleeping.
Also, I want to point out a little conversation we had.
When we first talked about K transferring, we realized that there would be an odd number of people, and that you 'girlfriend' would have to find another roommate. You STRAIGHT UP TOLD ME, that we would be rooming together next year, since I was so 'laid-back'.
Then you two started fucking.
Suddenly, you screwed everyone over. Not only was I going to be left out in the cold (thank god now, I would have shot myself, or you, if I had to room with you again) but you totally fucked L over and the cabin you guys were going to get FOR FREE!!! Now that I'm transferring, all I hear about it how your room next year is going to be awesome.
I can't wait for you two to break up.
In the end:
Fuck you.
FUCK. YOU.
You're a fucking cunt. I FUCKING HATE YOU. I don't care about you and your FUCKING sob stories. I don't care that you think you're so FUCKING badass. I DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT YOU.

Cheers,
Your Roommate.

P.S. - I would like to make this known: it is MY car. Not the communal car. If you can't already tell, I FUCKING HATE WHEN PEOPLE ASSUME SHIT. So, assuming that you can just USE my car annoys me. Fuck you. I hope you die in a car crash.