My adorable dog

I was forced to walk my dog the other day

the bitch kept jumping up and down on my leg like a kangaroo in heat....and if I decide to sit on my ass all day-- and be more worthless than a phone operator from Uganda, who can't even speak a f**king lick of english, after I ask him why my cable bill sky-rocketed to the f**king trillion dollar mark.......

my girl will come home from work and bitch--like a guy on death row because he ran a red light in a fighter jet he stole from the god damn Air Force... then she will drag me and the f**king dog to a park--that's more run down than MC Hammer's apartment....and muddier than a woodstock concert

As soon as I opened up the f**king door she bolted out like...Bill Cosby mistaking a pudding pop convention, for a klan parade in Little Rock

So I had to whistle repeatedly, like the god damn bird carnival going on outside my window everyday at 4 in the f**king morning....causing me to suffocate one of those mother f**kers, as it chirps it's last breath to the bird morgue

I hope those other pricks fly to big bird and alert the nest, that this crazy f**king lunatic means business......and not to wake him up, while he's tossing and turning like a guy who just got his arm blown off by a f**king landmine.....

Usually when I walk my dog I'm about 30 yards ahead...that way, if she decides to shit in Orville Reddenbacher's yard...I can quickly rummage through some other bastard's mailbox--pretending I'm a god damn mime, who is more f**king oblivious than Rosie O'donnel's weight loss coach........then while he's cussing and throwing a shovel, and punching his wife in the neck....I could laugh into my jacket and hope my dog comes out alive...

One time I looked behind me, and the little bitch wasn't there...so I had to waste my time and walk back snapping my fingers, like I'm in a f**king Broadway musical (what a unbelievable nightmare).....then I see she's on her back, with her leg's up in the air like a porn star ready to get anally probed...rubbing it's fur on something in the weeds

It's a snake!! that got chopped up into little bits like a Baskin Robbins sunday....by a guy who must have been more trashed than the people of Amsterdam, operating a lawn mower on LSD

As soon as I got home.......I threw raid on my dog's skin, and put it in the crock pot to soak the f**king plague off.....

if anything.......next time I'll wait........and buy a god damn gerbil!!!!!!!!